The shitty shit

We all know that feeling of having a crush on someone. Either you're a boy or a girl,having a crush can be a very annoying thing sometimes,especially if you don't talk to each other. So,as any other girl,I have a crush. It's a funny story actually and if some famous director reads this he or she can contact me to make a movie about it. 

So,my story is kinda weird but my crazy friends help me to follow him. Yeah,I know that sounds weird and creepy but let's be serious...who doesn't follow their crush? He is a cool guy,as we like to say he is a ''heart-braker''. He is cool and smart ( and what the fuck is happening....I've never thought I will ever write something like this on my blog,but it's just for amusement). My story is like the ones you see in american movies,when the girl either is a creep or a nerd. Well,in this case I am not a nerd but I can say that I have too much energy,and I always have to say something stupid,do something stupid,laugh too much and thigs like that. Altough,I am not a stupid girl,I know a lot of things,and I can be described as a tomboy. 

Being a girl in the 21st century can be a very demanding task and fashion is very important,especially when you are a teenager and you want to stand out of the crowd. I don't really pay too much attention at the way that I dress,I usually wear black jeans,sneakers and a T-shirt. I like fashion,I like to see clothes that are fashionable but I feel more comfortable wearing what I like and what I think that describes my personality. 

So,I was talking about this cool guy. We talked a few times,just usual things just to make conversation but now I don't even think he remembers my name :))). I have two moods. Whenever I am out and I have to meet other people I can socialize very easily and when I talked to him I was like :Hmm...sooo,you like french fries? That is so lame and hilarious that when I think about it,it makes me laugh.

I guess we all know the story of Cinderella. Well,there is The Prince Charming,who is cool,he has a cool horse,he is tall and handsome...aaand there is Cinderella. But,wait a minute,we are in real life. Maybe I don't have to do a lot of house chords,like Cinderella,but definitely there won't be a fairy who will magically transform me into a princess and I won't lose my shoe (unless I am drunk or my shoelace is not tight enough). I won't be able to learn overnight how to walk like I am flying,how to wave my hair like I get rid off the star dust that got stucked in it,I won't be able to blink like someone is filming me in slow motion. I will always say dirty jokes,go biking,I will always be interested in things that are more appropriate for boys,I will always like pizza too much,I will always laugh too much and too loud....things that are not really specific for a girl.

I have done a lot of weird things in my life. Like going to a person on the street and saying ''hey,i know you from the kindergarten'',or ''fighting'' for what I really believed in,I even closed my eyes while I was on the bike while crossing a bridge (and yes,I was about to fall,because I touched the bridge edges and I was about to fall in the water) and just thinking about saying ''Hey'' makes me wanna jump off the bridge. 

Well,I the only thing I can do is to accept the situation.In the end I have a nice story to tell and also a reason to laugh! 

No voice to confront you

 

 As a person I have my own thoughts and beliefs,a lot of them based on my experiences and things that I see around me. As a human,I needed to learn what patience means, a virtue that is golden when you have it,but it's very hard to obtain. On the road we walk everyday I saw that patience is something that comes with years. It's a big thing to be patient. I'm not talking about being patient while you are waiting in the row to pay your bills or while you are at the supermarket. It's that type of patience that not all the people can have and it's very hard to learn. It's about being patient while you hope to get better,to think positive again,to be rehabilitated,all these of course while you do something for that.
 
 Sometimes,after a grey period good things come but still the shadows of negativity and illness haunt you. I feel that there is no space for someone who ''walked'' through this kind of experiences. Even if you had patience and you got better something is missing. That mutation that affected your soul,your mind and your personality is still there and you can see the marks that lead. There will always be a word,a place,a person,a taste, a musical note that will open that wound. These people who survived and faced their own mind,body and illness are like some ghosts in the world that sometimes try to find their place. Trying to find your place means trying to find a definition of yourself,trying to find what makes you to feel in peace and most important something that makes you look behind and watch those thorns you had as a lesson. When the pain is gone you feel like a part of you has been amputated. You remember how it was when you had that part of you,the sensations you had,the memories,you can still feel it sometimes,it's still a part of you but you can't have it anymore. It takes patience to have the courage to be truth to yourself,to recognize your pain,to say your imperfections,you illness out loud even if you are alone,it's a thing that I hadn't been able to do.      

 Being able to stand in front of the mirror and say who you are and what haunts you is a very difficult thing to do. It's very hard and cruel experience to talk to yourself and admit you illness,thoughts and condition. In my opinion,introspecting yourself is a very hard exercise and not everybody has the power and patience to do that. It's a cruelty because you recognize to yourself who you really are and sometimes that can be more punishing and painful than the words of any other person .You need patience to recognize my thorns to myself and not be ashamed of your own person.
In the end,patience is very important if you want to grow as a person,as a soul and to cope with your own mind,which is your worst enemy or your best help.

Accepting mediocrity or living for a purpose

    Every morning, each of us has two choices: you wake up and have a purpose in your mind,something to aim for,or, you accept living in mediocrity. Unfortunately,I think that I am in the second situation. Honestly,I'm still trying to figure out why this is happening. I feel that mediocrity is that permanent mood of ''not caring''. It's not that ''type of indifference'' like you don't care what you are wearing,if your hair looks good enough or if your lipstick stays in place. Is that type of indifference,that when you feel it,you need to ask yourself a few questions and if you don't do something soon your life will start collapsing or stay at the same level you are now.
     Hmmm,let me think if I can find a good comparison for this. No,I can't. I'll tell you how it feels. You wake up,you start preparing yourself for work or school but there is nothing in your mind that you would fight for. You just wake up,prepare,go to work/school,you meet people,you socialize,laugh have a good time,you come home,relax and then you go to sleep,waiting for the next day to start it all over again. Everything is normal,but something is missing : THE PURPOSE.
      Saying purpose i think about hope,yeah hope. The foundation of life. Hope is the foundation of life and this keeps us alive. I think that mediocrity comes when your aims,dreams,targets don't exist anymore. Of course,there are a few points on your to do list,like having good grades,having enough money to pay your bills and stuff like that. Mediocrity comes when you accept your situation,when you convince yourself that there is nothing more to do,that you need to accept the economical situation or the unwritten laws that tell you what job to choose,what principals you need to have and what is good for '' a normal life''.
      I've been told that my goals are foolish,that they don't have any credibility,that they won't be able to support me financially,that they are only stupid dreams and I need to think about something more realistic. I think that there are two kinds of people:The ones who dare to cross their limits and do what they think is good for them and those who think about their comfort.
    Let's make an exercise: think about your last big goal,that you set in your mind,something that you dreamed of every day,every night,for a longer period of time. Something that when you were thinking about made your mind fly far away and your mind was telling you to keep going. Did you ever had such an ''experience''? Don't be shocked if your answer is no. But,there could also be a positive answer. If not,start by setting a goal right now! Last time when I felt something like this was the last year  and the beginning of this year. It was a big goal and dream of mine,that followed me for two years. That was my only target,the biggest purpose I had. After two years of hard working,tears and people telling me :You'll never gonna make it! I finally did it! I doesn't matter which was that dream (maybe in another post I'll talk about it).
      In conclusion,STOP living in mediocrity. If you want something,no matter hoooow stupid it is,do your best to make it! Stop living in mediocrity! Start living for a purpose! If you want to go to New York,wake up every morning and think about that! Do your best and all the things that you think that could help you to get there and start working on your dream! Close your ears to the people who tell you you can't do something,you aren't talented enough or your dreams are pure stupidity. People who only live by seeing the things that surround them and only see the limits  (given by economy,standards or anything else like that) are blinded by comfort. Once I've read a quote that was saying something like that: Teenagers are the only ones,that when it comes to their dreams would do anything to fulfill them''. That is like saying that only in your teenage years you are willing to do anything for your dream. If that was true,than none of the big events,inventions and people would exist today!
       Reminder! Before falling asleep,thing about your goal,your dream and wake up in the morning ready to fulfill it!